What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:53
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The man who refused to die, and came back from his death 6 times - Times of India
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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When she asked me how she looked .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
How can I decorate my house creatively?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Put me off passion for life!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Can you name an example of bad parenting?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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So whats the point in blame.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My family never makes their pension either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I waited trembling.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Who then, do I blame.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were not on the streets..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
I think the readers, may guess!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.